Thursday, September 18, 2008
Being grateful, Being in love
8:24 pm
This is probably one of my most honest posts.
I am a rose.
And even though some of the petals have been plucked off.
God still loves me.
I remember the times when God spoke to me. There were vivid dreams, there were visions, there were oppressions. I remember sensing activities in the spiritual realm and Him giving me understanding of situations. I remember relying on God to understand people and their problems and needs. Those were the times when my life was rather chaotic too, with parents, relationships and studies. But i was so close to Him. I was like a child. There was once He sent a lovebird to my window just to tell me He loves me. I think, I was more sensitive to the Holy Spirit then, than i am now. That was the period of time in which I was wondering to myself: How can anyone not want to do quiet time or talk to God? Is it that hard? God's wonderful!
(Well, I'm wishing I could return to that state of mind now.)
I have more knowledge about the bible and God now then I did last time. I am more disciplined and more responsible than I was last time.(more, I hope) I know better about the right thing to say and do and what not to say and do in church now. And I have a bigger picture of how everything goes and how to go about doing things...
But the PASSIONATE love's just missing, you know?
Even though right now if anyone asks me about what are the things that God has done in my life, I can rant on and on and on and even get emotional and shed a tear or two. (Because He really has been awesome)
But being grateful and being in love, are 2 very different situations.
Being Grateful: I can be grateful to God, and be obliged to obey Him because of all that He has done for me, because He died on the cross for me.And I don't want to be ungrateful. Hence I do what I can possibly give, which is my time, like going to cellgrp, service, prayer meetings, reading my bible and pray. I raise my hands and jump during praise and worship because it pleases Him. After all that He has done for me, how can I be ungrateful? I must persevere on...
OR
Being in Love: Every day, every week, it's just simply lovely,spending time worshipping in His presence. It really does fills my heart with joy, knowing that the almighty God loves me, and is watching me as I dance for Him. All I need to do is be still, and I can feel His loving arms embracing me. He fills me with so much energy, I just can't stop praising His Name! He takes away all my fears and sorrows. There is nothing i desire more than to be in His presence. How He could use someone like me, I'll never understand. I'm just so glad that He could use me to speak into people's lives and be His shining light.
Is it because my life is being filled with expectations that I and the people around me has put for me? Is it because I have been too concerned about the impressions I'm giving people, and I have been too concerned about doing the right thing that I feel inadequate?
I remember some weeks ago, not sure how many weeks ago, but it ain't that far off....I remember that I was dealing with such heavy warfare that all I can do was to plop on my bed and cry my eyes out to God. I was too tired to pray, so I wailed out words in between my sobbing. All I could do was to run and lean into His chest and let Him put His loving arms around me while I did the wailing. He simply carried me and held me in His strong protective arms in silence. I needed that rest, and I found it in Him. I clung unto Him for hours and fell asleep. I woke up next morning with swollen eyes that I could barely open. One thing's for sure, I felt His peace.
