Tonight, i finally took the courage, and laid down my whole life before God again. Who knows how many times i've dedicated myself to God already. But i needed this new renewal once again. Because i've finally made a wise decision to be transparent again. I'm sick of the lies i've hid. Sick of the lies of the devil. Sick of pretension. God's absence equals to living hell. And for the past 3 weeks, I felt that life really sucks. I lost my focus on God. Sure, He was present in my life, but He was not my focus. I tried to seek consolation and comfort from people...but i guess what i really needed was to find back my lost first love. My love supply was sucked dry. And today, God had to throw a brick at me to get my attention. Well, He got my full undivided attention...
I want my private time with God to be what it was like tonight. I had felt unworthy, scared even, to talk to God, because i havent been this intimate with Him for so long. I was broken, in my spirit, in my soul, in my heart, and in my mind...and i laid my broken pieces before my Maker. Knowing that only He alone can fix. Realizing how foolish i was to wait till i was broken before returning to Him. But He accepted me. My mind was filled with condemning guilt thoughts, and i had to shut them all out. The Holy Spirit spoke to me through His servant. I was prompted to open a book that i have not read at all. I flipped it open to somewhere in the book and staring at me were His words to me:
When you feel loved, anything is attainable. Your dreams are attainable. The world is attainable. God is already offering us the love we desire, but we have to be desperate. When we want Him more than anything else, His love infuses life into our homes, our schools, our relationships. Love inspires. When we can truly say, "I am worthy of that love, no matter what I have done or have not done," then God can come in big ways and visitations happen.This is really the key to all we desire. The key is in the heart of love. If we feel what He feels, our hearts are awakened. We love what He loves.
I broke into sobs after reading into the first few lines of that passage. His presence was there with me. His embrace, His gentle loving touch. I knew these words were meant for me, because i've been searching for an answer. And it so happens that Grace, for some reason, cos it says "Dancing with Destiny" at the front cover, passed it to me last saturday and said it was really meant for me. But i havent read it, not really. God was just waiting for a moment to speak to me this whole week. But i didnt give Him a chance to. And it's already friday. So He threw a brick at me. I still love him.
I am new creation
No more in condemnation
Here in the grace of God i stand
My heart is overflowing
His love just keeps on growing
Here in the grace of God i stand.
